Got Guilt?

A couple of years ago, I attended a criminal-defense CLE—I don’t remember where or what it was about, or even who the speaker was, but one woman’s comment during a discussion period still resonates:

“I used to be a public defender,” she said,” and all I did was run around with too much to do, feeling guilty all the time.”

Wait, what did she say? Feeling guilty all the time?

But … you mean … It’s not just me?

I remember the waves of relief that washed over me. Until the woman’s comment, I hadn’t registered the constant guilt I felt—about the things I couldn’t get done in a day, the phone calls I hadn’t returned, the client I couldn’t help, the judges’ badmouthing of me behind my back, the constant criticism from prosecutors, the inability to be in two places at one time--and how much that unexamined guilt was abasing me.





I also hadn’t recognized, until I heard the lady’s comment, that the giant guilt turd I carried around was not my fault.

It is so ridiculous when you think about it—would you expect a doctor to schedule his own appointments, keep track of the branch offices, and then juggle visits, research and write memoranda, perform research in the field, and then in the middle of this, drop everything and go into surgery for a week or two?

I don’t have time to do everything I should do, and years of being conditioned to put out fires make it difficult to perform secretarial tasks when I have 45 minutes to spare between court appearances. Exacerbating the simple too-much-to-do situation, is a propensity for the other players in the system—judges, prosecutors, court administrators, even our own bosses—to blame the system's ills on the public defenders. Even when criticism is unfair, if it is constant, you will unconsciously start to accept it. And the next thing you know, you've lost your confidence and self-esteem. (Years ago, a prosecutor complained to me that she didn't like my "annoying bravado," which I thought was pretty funny, until guilt and stress made me fear I had lost said bravado.)

I’m sorry if this is a bit of a downer of a subject—believe me, I’d rather be funny—but this experience is at the heart of this blog and the proposed revolution. One of the powers of the internet is the ability to help us put our experiences into context. If it weren’t for the stories of other defenders across the country, I would probably think that it was just me--that I deserved to have guilt and criticism heaped upon me.  Maybe I wouldn’t totally accept the negative view of myself, but it would dishearten me enough that I wouldn’t put myself out in the world to reform something that might just be a personal problem.

I used to read PD blogs pretty regularly, but then got sidetracked with a few projects (wrote a novel, made shrinky-dink and other art) and only recently went back to find the PD blogs I had once read.  Most of the blogs were gone, but a few of the entries I found made me determined to get this PDR thing going.

From the last post on Defending Those People (August 2009)

"Despite the tragedy, the hopelessness, I think I savor the role of representing the underdog. Maybe I have a masochistic streak running through me? And not that I'm perfect, but I am good at what I do. I help people try to make better decisions. I make fewer mistakes than most, or at least feel that I do. I feel that I make a difference. Even if the difference is simply to help people understand what is going on and helping them choose from the limited decisions now available for them, that is good."

"And often nobody provides respect. Typically, the clients are most respectful. Not all of them, some of them are so unused to attention that they don't trust me, but many of them appreciate it, see that I am trying to help and are thankful. But overburdened prosecutors bite my head off. Judges often get so focused on moving cases they don't care about what must have motivated them to seek the bench in the first place."

Except for the word “overburdened,” which I would change to "asshole," I think, That’s exactly how I feel! It scares me, some of it, how exactly it is like my thoughts.

Maybe you think: I can survive it. I’m tough.


From the second-to-last post in Public Defender Dude:

"I am very burned out with being a deputy public defender. I used to enjoy the job, but now I don't. Suffice to say that I am an employee, and an employee who has been taught to fear for his job. Very sad that it has come to this.

"There was a time when I didn't care. But now I have kids to support. A mortgage to pay. I have to conform to what the bosses want. I have come to realize that I must do exactly what they say, or I will be fired. It isn't about protecting my clients. It is about satisfying my bosses."

And I know--have lived--exactly what this guy is saying, too.  OK, I don't do what the bosses say.  But I pay a price for it every day.

I did a little research about the psychological toll that PDs face (practice tip:  do not google "public defender" and "guilty" unless you want more results that you can handle).  I came across a law-review article that not only backs up these psychological effects that I mention, but also reinforces why the public-defender revolution is the only solution. In "Essay on the New Public Defender for the 21st Century," 58-WTR Law & Contemp. Probs. 81, Harvard Professor Charles Ogletree (who, after having read some of his work, I greatly admire), writes,

"The lack of institutional support for public defenders—coupled with criticism, often unfair, aimed at them from both sides—takes an enormous psychological toll on those in the profession. In order to understand the challenges faced by public defenders, one must examine the problems of insufficient institutional support, stringent criticism from the public and clients alike, and the psychological stresses resulting from these realities.” (Sorry, it's from Westlaw, so no link)

And I thought, Oh my goodness, He really has it down--a respected professor with this much insight and understanding of PD problems will make reform happen! 

Professor Ogletree continues:

"Of late, judges, legal scholars, and policymakers alike have noted the gravity of the problems facing public defenders. As a result, a number of people with substantial and direct knowledge of the inner workings of the criminal justice system have begun the task of proposing meaningful reforms of our present system."  Id.

Great, I thought, we don't need a revolution, the change will be happening forthwith!  Except, I left one thing out of the citation: the article was written 15 years ago, in 1995.

I wrote this post about the guilt I know we all feel to some degree, because I know that this whole PD revolution thing won't be easy. The guilt, stress, and demoralizing treatment drives defenders out of the system or leaves them riddled with doubt. Because when you’re the person that everyone denigrates, it makes you want to hide, rather than stand up for yourself. This crippling treatment, however, is exactly why we have to do it.  The choice we have is to band together and fight for reform using some powerful tools that are already in place, or put up with this bullshit for another 15, 20, 30 years.

So, come join me and the Public Defender Revolution:  I am not guilty, not that tired yet, and I know how to fight!